Sometimes I have ideas, thoughts, or stories that aren’t necessarily garbage, but that aren’t good enough to stand on their own.  Hence, this second entry labeled “Boxlot Post,” in which I gather some of my miscellaneous cerebral tchotchkes into a virtual cardboard box, giving you the opportunity to enjoy that which may have been otherwise disregarded…

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Now that Dad has his prosthetic leg and is advancing in his recovery, it’s okay to make fun of him a little more.  (Hey, the first auction Dad attended after his amputation, he put a sign on the back of his wheelchair that said “Don’t ask me.  I’m stumped.”  So he started it.)  Anyway, I’m attempting to design a series of advertisements with Dad as the model.  The first (and only) one I’ve come up with would have Dad balancing on his real leg while holding his prosthesis high above his head.  The poster’s caption would read, “The Savo Auctioneers: We have a leg up on the competition.”

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I think the following characters would make or would have made hilarious auctioneers:

• Jackie Mason
• The Frankenstein Monster
• Peter Lorre
• Mr. T
• The Swedish Chef

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When someone attempts to bid below the face value of a coin or a piece of currency, I assume that person is not a serious collector.

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In August 2009, we offered a selection of Christian altarware: religious items once used by clergy for church services.  The collection, which included two tabernacles, crucifixes, a chalice, and all the items pictured below, were taken from the living room of a private collector, not from one particular church.

Christian altware collection sold in August 2009.

Naturally, we put these items on display in our show window.  Oh, the grief we took.  Indeed, several people called to tell us that it was illegal to sell such items, that we were going to Hell for doing so, and that the local Catholic Bishop was coming to–I don’t know–kick our asses or something.

A Betty Page photo from the collection.

I mention this because in April of 2010, we offered a collection of several hundred 1940s/50s glamor photographs of nude women.  We made sure each and every one of them were displayed in that auction’s online photo gallery.  On this very website and on AuctionZIP, there were hundreds and hundreds of naked breasts.  When Carlo and I published them to the web, we took a deep breath and waited for the raving complaints to come in phone calls and emails.  And none did…  Not one person called; no one emailed.  We received neither damnations nor threats for putting all those bare boobies online.

My conclusion: It’s more offensive to sell ceremonial religious artifacts than pictures of naked women.

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My conscience is heavy and I feel the need for confession.  For we, the Savo Auctioneers, have not only deceived the public, but we have committed a sin against the dignity granted by God to all his creatures.  And there is no greater sin against God and nature than slavery.  We are guilty of such an atrocity, for we have enslaved one of the most beloved figures of mythical folklore: the gnome.

Those of you who know us have heard us tell tales of long days on the road, of arduous estate pick-ups, of dragging furniture and collectibles through all kinds of adverse architecture, of enduring dirt, mold, and grime, and of spending hour upon hour unloading our trailers so that we may set up our auction sales.  In other words, we have told you how hard we work.

All this was true for the first two years of our operations.  We labored until our backs were knotted, our knees were aching, and our hands and feet were calloused.  All this was true until the day we found the gnomes.

There they were, dozens upon dozens of gnomes lounging about in the front yard of a home from which we had been contracted to remove the chattel.  I will not abhor you with the brutal details of how we made these little bearded fellows submit to our will, but ever since then we haven’t lifted a finger in either removing items from an estate or in bringing said items into the gallery.  And after a few weeks of shock therapy, these gibberish spouting servants learned the finer points of setting up an auction.

The gnomes did rise up about a year after their enslavement, but Carlo, who is adept in fencing, quickly–and with very few casualties–suppressed their rebellion.  Now, fully engrossed by Stockholm Syndrome, the gnomes are completely loyal and subservient to us.

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