The traditional auction involves gathering both merchandise and bidders at a specific place and time, allowing said bidders to compete for ownership as each item is presented by an auctioneer, who governs the process and asks for bids via a melodic chant. There are some alternative methods typically used for charitable events, such as the Chinese auction and the silent auction. The most novel alternative auction method in the last twenty years is, of course, the online auction.  However, since the advent of eBay and similar auction websites, there have been no great innovations in the world’s second oldest profession.  Until now…

So, I’ve already discussed stealthy bidding techniques and overt ones. Then my imagination took a stroll through that cerebral zoo of mine where I keep all my insanity caged up. There I found silly bidding techniques, ones that I’ve never actually seen used, but would be hilarious should they ever be employed by auction goers. Please note that I don’t actually recommend using any of the following methods. (Especially at my auction!) By writing this post, I am simply indulging my twisted sense of humor.

As discussed previously, certain auction goers feel the need to employ stealthy bidding techniques so as not to be shadowed by rookies or bid against out of spite. Conversely, there are certain auction goers that use overt bidding techniques that are designed to intimidate their competition. Since these aggressive bidders can’t actually claim the items that they desire by urinating on them, they bid in ways that are meant to tell others to back off.

First time auction attendees will often ask me how to bid. I tell them that when they wish to bid on an item that they should raise their bidding cards high into the air, and then when they wish to advance the bidding that they should continue to raise their cards or nod distinctly when the auctioneer looks to them. However, some veteran auction goers adopt bidding techniques that are designed for discretion. Dealers and collectors that regularly attend auctions sometimes feel that they have to mask the fact that they are bidding for two reasons: