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TwitterDeppraisal: All Very Odorous Nothing
They are trinket-like creatures, disguising their true and hellish nature within cutesy forms such as cowboy boots, classic cars, historical busts, vintage radios, antique guns, and fluffy animals. Their scents are overpowering, for within their bodies lies not blood, but an eau de cologne sprung from the very depths of Hades. They lurk in attics, in basements, huddled together in cardboard boxes in which their loathsome aromas amass like an army of doom that will charge upon any unsuspecting victim who happens to open their long forgotten crypt.
And when that poor, hapless person is attacked by the horrible ether of these miniature monsters, delusions abound. Indeed, he who opened that innocent looking box to discover its contents is overtaken by an idea that is ludicrous… impossible… but the smell is so dizzying, so mind numbing that he picks up his phone and dials…
I answer the call with my normal salutations. The man on the other end of the receiver seems a zombie. His speech is slow. His words come at an effort. Finally, I understand the source of his delirium when he says, “I found some vintage Avon aftershave and perfume bottles and I was wondering if you’d be interested.”
I shriek like a B-Movie scream queen and cry out, “No! NO! Stay away! Stay away from me!” And then I pass out.
Vintage Avon aftershave bottles... Just hold your breath and run away.
Okay… So maybe I don’t scream and feint, but try to explain in a calm manner that Avon bottles are worthless and that I wouldn’t be interested in them. Indeed, they are virtually unsellable… Virtually because on a lucky day, one might be able to get a dollar for two or three thousand of them.
Certainly, Avon (A-V-O-N) is best described by its backronym: All Very Odorous Nothing.
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Seraphine
you’d think avon bottles would be collectible. i remember those from 30 years ago. they seemed like such good investments. do they still make them?
the reason they don’t smell so good is probably because the oils and alcohols in the bottles evaporated, leaving a highly concentrated
stinkaroma.if i remember correctly, the same people who collected avon bottles also collected decorative liquor bottles. the liquor probably tastes as bad today as the perfume smells.
J. Bear Savo
Novelty liquor bottles are a post for another day.
fast eddie
Just think….someody actually sat down and excitedly flipped through their new Avon catalog all those years ago and was overwhelmed with joy when they saw that aftershave bottle shaped like a faucet! They then called their Avon representative (usually a co-worker at the office/factory/bridge club or their spinster Great Aunt Millie) and placed the order along with order for that “lovely beautiful pheasant–you know Chet is a hunter—he’ll LOVE it!”. I am sure they also got those very collectible giant Alka-Seltzer shaped soaps–”ohh those wacky people at Avon–what will they think of next!”.And don’t forget the soap on a rope “Ohh you know Chet–he ALWAYS is dropping the soap–this will make showering so much safer for him! When you stop and think about it—-it’s very disturbing! I rarely marvel at the final result of a person’s actions–I am always more fascinated at the original thought process that the person had to achieve their intended results. Everytime I see a collection of these in a house I know then that the owner was sick in the head. Usually you’ll find that this same person owns a collection of decorative whiskey bottles (as correctly stated in the other post), a few boxes of 1960s Life Magazines and/or old newspapers, a wonderful encyclopedia set (which like the Avon bottles have never been opened), and a copy of “Herb Alpert & The The Tijuana Brass-Whipped Cream & Other Delights” album. (John–you were right–I think everybody on the planet was ordered under penalty of death to buy this album). At any rate–think of the John Savos of the future. Forty years from now some guy will be at a house scratching his head wondering what kind of idiot bought five huge Rubbermaid tubs of Beanie Babies, a roomful of God awful poly-resin scupltures, and loads of Barak Obama commemorative merchandise. It all makes me think of a genius named Barnum!
Seraphine
hey the faucet is the best one out of the pictured collection, eddie.
it would look great out in my garden.