Three-Wheeled Bicycles
Often my states of mind aren’t served up neat. My moods are usually cocktails consisting of curious combos that can be the dangerous and intoxicating intellectual equivalent of Jaeger and Red Bull. Indeed, as I write this very blog post, I find myself feeling both facetious and magnanimous. Hence the following list of heterogeneous statements will seem comically sarcastic to some, while others will view them as small epiphanies. Yes, I offer the following tidbits with the intention of making most of you laugh, but note that they also serve the need to set the record straight with certain misinformed individuals.
1. As of February 2010, no one has a 100-year-old television.
2. You do not have “the very first pressing” of Hitler’s Mein Kampf if your edition is in English.
3. A “three-wheeled bicycle” is not a bicycle. No… It’s a tricycle. Really.
4. A chair that is missing its back and all of its legs is no longer a chair.
5. A “coin collection” is not the pocket change you throw into a jar when you get home at the end of the day.
Not necessarily a treasure chest.
6. A dome-top trunk is not a “treasure chest” by default. A treasure chest is only a treasure chest if its filled with treasure. The shape of a box’s lid matters very little if it’s filled with gold, silver, and jewels.
7. Yes, Depression glass has fallen in value because its collectors are just too bummed out anymore.
8. No one can posthumously autograph something.
9. There are absolutely no photographs of the following historical figures:
- George Washington
- The Emperor Napoleon
- William Shakespeare
- King Arthur
- Jesus
10. There are no legitimate collectibles stamped “Preoccupied Japan.”
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Seraphine
john savo at his glorious best. preoccupied japan is just too funny.
and wait, i’m sure i’ve seen photographs of jesus… yes, if you google “stock photos of jesus” you’ll get over 5 million results. so in your face, savo.
and think about it- if there were no surviving photos of jesus, nobody would know what he looks like. and there are 48 *million* results in google for “jesus pictures,” and all 48 million looks exactly (plus or minus) alike.
if you see a picture of jesus, you know *immediately* that it’s jesus. it’s not mass hysteria. it’s historical fact. because cameras existed then.
look it up- camera obscura- in wikipedia. “The first mention of the principles behind the pinhole camera, a precursor to the camera obscura, belongs to Mo-Ti (470 BC to 390 BC), a Chinese philosopher and the founder of Mohism.”
cameras existed 400 years *before* jesus.
if it’s in wikipedia, it’s true. it’s the collected wisdom of all mankind.
it’s not too late to apologise.
J. Bear Savo
Well, if it’s in Wikipedia, then I am sorry.
fast eddie
I do not follow the principles of “Mohism” but rather I am a devout practicioner of “Shempism”.
Bleeding Heart
Things that make me go, hmmmm…; “Preoccupied Japan”. Is this why they lost the war, or was this the period OF the war? Amazing.
I saw photographs of Jesus for sale on ebay. I e-mailed the seller asking for proof of authenticity and was offered certificates as proof. Imagine that. I offered an explanation as to why this is impossible and was told that since they are not a photography expert, they can’t say for certain one way or another, but they do have that Certificate of Authenticity. Curious.
What exactly is a chair with no back or legs anyway? Odd.
Thanks for the laughs.
fast eddie
A chair with no back or legs is known as garbage. But there is something I would like answered. If a chair has no back could it have a front?
fast eddie
I was once going through a photo album and saw many many photos of Jesus. Did you know his last name was Rodriguez?
J. Bear Savo
Okay… That’s funny.
fast eddie
I cannot beleive you didn’t know that DaVinci used a photo reference when painting The Last Supper. I mean did you really think that Christ and company held that pose while Leonardo painted?! It was the uncredited 13th Apostle named Peter Simon who snapped the photo and then had it delivered to DaVinci by “The Lady” on her way to Fatima.
too tired for porn
a chair with neither legs nor back, is still by any definitive argument, a seat. i.e. if you place said object [presumptively flat], on the ground, and then place your posterior portion [either clad or not clad], snugly on the aforementioned object, and extend your lower appendages in an outward direction, then this obviously deficient chair will still retain the honorable distinction of being a seat.
anyone for a lap dance????
where the hell is spell check ????????????
J. Bear Savo
I suppose you’re right. Still, that doesn’t make it sellable…
Jason Roske
Too funny John! I love getting those calls. There are more examples, but I’m too tired to relay any of them & I should get to bed as I’ve got a big auction tomorrow. Love your posts.
Jason
J. Bear Savo
Oh, but I wish you would relay them.
kathcom
Facetious and magnanimous is a great combination for you. I assume that someone tried to get you to auction a first edition of Mein Kampf. I would like to have been a fly on the wall as you patiently explained. And I think Preoccupied Japan would be a great band name!
J. Bear Savo
Why thank you…
But what products would be sold under such a name?